Wednesday, December 19, 2012

You Can Critique Me Today - I'm Being Daring

Talk about INSECURE!!!!!

Oh dear Jeezus what am I doing?

Ok, so last night I was working on my favorite WIP at this current moment. And since I last posted about not having a CP I received some very AWESOME offers which I totally intend to take them up on!!

But until then I wanted to do something daring...

Today I am posting no more than my first 1000 words. It's a little shy of that - I wanted to stop at some point.

Why am I doing this?
The world could end Friday and I wanted to do something scary and holy freakin' shitaky this is scary. What I want you to do is...
1.) of course to read it.
2.) critique it.
You can either do the critique here or send me an email at
I want you to be as honest as possible. I know I have problems with certain things/areas and my feelings won't get hurt. Some days I'm on my A Game some days I have no clue what Game I'm playing. Through you I'm hoping to learn more. Thanks!

Here we gooooo.... I think I need a paper sack....

    Tree branches cracked and clicked as the cool autumn breeze washed the last of the evening’s warmth into the impeding night. Rena stirred the ambers while she hummed along with her obnoxious instrumental music. She only knew how to do a few things right; conger protective and healing spells, wield black magic, and annoy me.
                 A chill tickled up spine until it rested on my neck. I tried to brush it with a shrug but it sat there, beckoning.
                “He’s out there, isn’t he?” Rena asked pulling her ear buds out.
                 I nodded. “You know he is.” I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t look into those eyes that were mine; those lips which moved like mine. She was me, but not me. She mocked me.
                Rena stabbed at the coals some more with the poker before clicking the red button at the end of the silver rod. It folded up in on itself several times before she tucked it into her boot. “You shouldn’t have gotten so close. I told you he was playing possum. You never listen to me,” she yelled at me as if she was giving me a lesson.
                “Berating me isn’t going to fix what happened back there, Rena. I’m aware of how dangerous Baquarats are,” I spewed, “and you of all people shouldn’t be giving any lectures on this side, or any side of danger for that matter.”
                She flinched.
    I cringed. Even I knew that was way below the belt. I went to speak but nothing – nothing could come out. For once I couldn’t find anything more than the simple word, “Sorry.”
                Rena crumpled up into herself and slumped onto the oversized log she was sitting on. A single tear trickled down her slender check. It held for a moment before it plummet its long descent to the cold ground below. “I know Reese.” She sniffled.
                My body envied Rena. Sleep was welcoming me with open arms and wasn’t letting go. That night I slept well. But well always meant dreams.
                “So.” I pondered what had been explained to me. “Let me get this right, I’m a Völva?
                “Yes,” my mother answered. The dark sky above stirred with anger.
                “We are all Völva’s?” I asked.
                “Völvur,” Aunt Levona corrected. I turned to eye her. She was my mother’s equal, her mirror image.
                “Yes, but our families are half Nøkken as well,” Tarrick reminded me. The one boy I finally decided to open myself up to turned out to be a liar. A user.
                “Right, this coming from my current boyfriend slash spy slash Water Sprite. Did I cover it?” I hissed.
    He winced.
    “And they – you – are a shapeshifters too?” My head was reeling from the overload of information.
    “No. Not exactly. Nøkken only change when we’re in the water. Reese wake up!”
                “Reese, wake up!”
                Tarrick slaps me!
                “Wake up, Reese!”
                “Tarrick stop!” In the background I can hear Rena calling my name “Reese, wake up!” I look into Tarrick’s eyes realizing this has only been a dream. I would give anything to have this moment in time back. “Bye my love.”
    As my eyes fight to flutter open, Rena materializes where Tarrick dissipated. “Reese! The Baquarat’s back! Wake up!”
                The smell of smoke had me gasping. “What is that? What’s going on?” Sweat pooled at the base of my neck and the small of my back. We were surrounded by a small ring of fire.
                “I – I didn’t know what else to do,” Rena stammered.
                “Arrows?” I asked.
                She nodded. Another talent of my brightly gifted twin – archery. Why weapons when we can manipulate magic? Some parts of this blessed beautiful sphere have Black Out spot such as this weald forest my sister and I have stumbled into. As long as we are touching something Earth Bound we cannot use magic.
                “So genius, how do you propose we get out of this ring of fire?”
                “Fly?” Her face mimics that of a toddler. Sweet yet pathetic.
                “Sorry sweetness, I forgot thy broom at home,” I said with a curtsey.
                Her eye roll spoke volumes but not as much as the growl that permeated from the opposite side of the flames.
                “How long will it hold?” I asked.
                “Until it burns off.” Her eyes scanned the circle before settling back on me.  “Or us,” she urged. “Reese you’re gonna have to flash us outta here.”
                “You know I can’t do that. She will see. She will see where we are.” At this point I wasn’t sweating from the flames. I was sweating bullets thinking about what I might have to do.
                “Reese!” Rena’s single word brought nothing but fear to my temples and numbness to my fingers. I closed my eyes not wanting to look up. God please don’t –
                With a thud and a shift in the earth below my feet, the Baquarat stood at the edge of the inner circle. Erected over eight feet tall with five foot long arms, and two rows of razor sharp teeth including a pair of saber tusks; the beast looked like he could have pass for a large cuddly polar bear that walked on its hind legs. And that was on his good days. Any other day he smelled bad, was covered in blood, and looked like a white and red tie-died Minotaur. Today he was healed and hyped up on Völva blood. And that’s entirely my fault.
                Two nights ago his body was in a heap at the side of a lake. Rena said not to get to close, but being the older sister I decided not to listen. I mean, really, she just trapped us into a ring of fire to keep out a Baquarat that has now trapped himself in here with us. She doesn’t have the best decision making abilities sometimes.
                Long story short, my dumb ass unwilling let the ailing brute bite a chuck out of my leg and swallow.


  1. I'll e-mail you too. Might take a few days. Or you might have it in an hour. You just never know. :)

    1. Take your time! I've got at least a couple of days. haha

  2. Since I'm working (boo!) I can't read all of it yet, but I do have a suggestion for the beginning. Flip flop sentences around and start with the third one, with a few tweaks...

    Rena could only do a few things right--conjure protective and healing spells, wield black magic, and annoy the hell out of me.

    ... or something like that. You get the idea. Writing a killer first sentence sets the tone for the book and shows the reader your voice and makes them want to keep reading. :)

    I'll shoot you an email, since we've already been emailing this a.m. anyway.

    1. Oooo great suggestion!

      As you can tell I need some help (so I think anyways). HELP! lol

  3. Yep, totally agree with Jackie. The third line would be a much better opener. I'd jump in, but by the looks of it, you're getting a lot of help already.
    So brave of you to put this up to critique!

    1. T, if you are willing, you can still critique it. Everyone critiques differently. I could get 10 different people's critiques (I want as many as possible - if it comes to 20) then so be it, lol. I would LOVE to hear what you have to say so jump right on in!

  4. I agree with Jackie. I loved that line. :) Plus it lets us know right away this is in 1st person. For some reason I was a bit startled by the 'me.' I had started to think it was in 3rd person, a story about Rena. Not that it's a big deal, but still. :)

  5. I actually disagree about the first lines. haha. I LOVE the way it's starts. Actually, I loved pretty much everything about this excerpt. You have nothing to be nervous about woman. :)

  6. Ooooh, I'm so intrigued by this! I love how Reese and Rena's personalities are opposite, but how closely they work together. I love magic and magic systems, so I would keep reading to find out what's happening.
    I agree with what people said about letting the audience know it's first person before introducing Rena, I had to make the switch to first person from third as well.
    Also, I've heard from a very reliable source (Shannon Hale) who said that backstory in the first chapter is usually a bad idea. It halts the forward movement, so maybe the flashback could go somewhere else.


I heart me some good comments... and pumpkin spice latte's too!